Outrunning the Demons: Shereen’s Story

Shereen was born in Yorkshire, England to a 15 year old single mother and a completely absent father who she still has not met to this day. Her maternal grandparents raised her, but that too was a dysfunctional environment filled with alcohol and abuse. “I witnessed a lot of violence as a young child, my grandfather being very verbally and physically abusive to my grandmother. This led me to fear males and caused me to regress into a world of my own. At elementary school I would hide under tables if there were loud noises and just generally had a really hard time. I always felt different and was the target of much bullying. My mother was rarely around, she was already using drugs and when she did see me, I was beaten.”

All of the abuse caused Shereen to spend a lot of time outside to escape. “As a child, weight was never an issue for me. I was very much an outdoors kid; I wanted to escape the house as much as I could, so I spent my free time wandering the countryside with pals, climbing trees, swimming in rivers etc. My grandmother was hardly around as she was absent most of the time on excursions with my mother (they would go on drinking binges together that lasted for days). I was often left without food, but I learned how to survive. I stayed over friends homes and it was nothing for me to walk 15 miles in a day (we never had a car). I was a thin child as you can imagine.”

The abuse continued into Shereen’s teenage years and she found solace in books and had aspirations of going to university. This was met with ridicule by both her mother and her grandmother who told her that she should “know her place”, get a job and move on with life. However, in the worst of situations, there was a ray of light. “On one occasion, my mother and grandmother had gone inside a bar leaving me outside all day; alone. A man tried to attack me, but I managed to fight him off and run! I was about 12 at the time. I ran for what must have been a mile or so. I guess this was my first real “run!” I walked the rest of the way home and on the way; I met a nun who spoke very kindly to me. This inspired me to ask my grandmother if I could go to a convent school near our home. I interviewed for a place and sat an entrance exam, luckily I was accepted. I loved being in the convent, there was peace, a peace I have rarely found since.”

Despite the peace she found at the convent, Shereen still struggled with anxiety, depression, and acceptance. This contributed to her decision to begin, what would become, a very damaging relationship with her first husband. Through all of this, Shereen graduated from university and gave birth to a son. Something as wonderful as graduating university was still tainted by her underlying situation. “I was gifted academically and for that I am grateful. I went on to study, doing a law degree and became a Solicitor in the UK. No one attended my graduations, they simply weren’t interested. One painful moment I can remember is a mother of one of the other girls who was graduating pinning on my sash as I couldn’t manage it myself and I had no family members present!”

Shereen divorced her husband and found herself a single mother of a very young child. “I started taking anti-depressants around the time my son was about four. My weight escalated as a side effect. I also began drinking as it helped with my panic attacks (or so I thought at the time). A combination of the two led to me being really out of shape. I was 11.5 stone (approx. 147 pounds) which at 5’ 3” was heavy for me. This continued for a couple of years.” Shereen made a decision to get back in to shape joining a dance studio and stopped taking her medication. She was able to lose the weight and get healthy, but like so many people who struggle with their weight and depression, she would put the weight back on.

“I came to America in 2003 having dated an American I met in the UK who is now my husband. We lived in Connecticut. I was lonely, isolated, couldn’t drive, couldn’t work (immigration reasons), and then I had my second son and things simply took a turn for the worse. The weight did not come off easily as I stayed home, ate, and drank to excess. Meanwhile my eldest son was in the UK as his father was in a bitter battle for custody. We moved to Maryland and I had my youngest child. Drinking was becoming an issue as was weight. I was in so much internal pain, and drinking was an escape. My mind is very active, constantly spinning from thought to thought, and drinking simply “slowed” down the world. Things progressed and I was getting deeper and deeper into addiction. If I am honest, I knew it was a problem, but I did not want to voice that to anyone. I thought getting back into the workplace would help.

I took the New York and Maryland bar exams while drinking copious amounts of wine. My life was spinning out of control. I got a DUI about nine years ago and was threatened with jail time. I did not hurt anyone, I had hit a parked vehicle, however, the judge wanted to make an example of me because of what I did for a living. My self esteem was shattered. I already thought I was worthless, that had been instilled in me since childhood, but now this was reinforced.”

Unfortunately Shereen still had further to go in her journey before she reached the turning point. “One afternoon after drinking a bottle of red wine, I called a fellow attorney on a case I was on and told him where to stick his opinion! I hated this bigoted man. Strangely enough, he turned out to be my saving grace. He said “Shereen, I have been sober for nearly 20 years”. I was shocked.  He said “Stay where you are, I am getting you some help.” The next day I flew to Nashville to rehab. There I faced my fears, looked at why addicts like myself try to medicate the pain away. I was taught acceptance of what it is. I struggled with this ugly truth. How could I have turned out like “them”? I was deeply ashamed. I loved my children more than life itself, but had still allowed this to happen. I now know that I didn’t allow it, it was simply a perfect storm, given my history.”

Shereen was in a battle for her life and relapsed several times during her recovery, finally achieving soberness on April 6, 2015. But one addiction was replaced by another. “Eating was like a sport for me. From what I read, once one gets sober, it is common to substitute with other things, food was my other thing.” This caused Shereen’s weight to balloon to 177 pounds.

Due to her history of addiction, the doctors did not want to prescribe any medication for her anxiety and her panic attacks just got worse and worse. At this point her husband suggested that maybe she should go back to living a more active lifestyle like she had back in the UK. “He was correct. It pains me to say it! We had an old dusty cheap treadmill downstairs and I walked on it as I looked out of the window. I walked around the garden 5 times each day and my AA sponsor gave me a Fitbit Flex for Christmas. This was the turning point. I adored seeing the steps, they were not great, but for me they were such a change! I remember being alone on the porch one afternoon, and having a terrible panic attack. I tried calling everyone I knew, no one answered. I searched the internet for help and found a site where a man said that he found running really helped him. I thought this guy was a nutcase, he was advocating running while having a panic attack… this would surely cause a heart attack I told myself! That said, whenever I felt the beginnings of the wave of anxiety coming over me like a heavy black cloak, I would power walk around the garden. Slowly, the power walks became small jogs. I ran on the machine for 30 seconds and then would stop to get my breath!”

Shereen admits that her pace was very slow, but something “clicked” during these modest beginnings. “Running made me feel strong, free, and gave me mental relief from fear. I read all I could about the sport, how to improve and how to get on a training program. I knew about nutrition, I had danced and trained for years in England so that knowledge was already there. After a few months, I was seeing results. More importantly however, I was no longer depressed and my panic attacks are practically non-existent. Running has changed my life. Well, it gave me a life. I was existing before, but now I truly live. It has helped me become the woman I was meant to be. My weight has gone from 177 pounds to 108 pounds. While I run for miles, my longest being just under 11 miles now, I have only run in one race with other people on a recent 5K outdoors. I LOVED it!! I never really considered myself a runner, as I was slow! However, I have now managed to run a 5K sub 30 which is something I thought would be impossible for me.”

While Shereen may not have considered herself a runner, I certainly do. More importantly, she is an inspiration! Her story not only amazed me, it warmed my heart to hear how someone can overcome so much adversity and then is brave enough to share that story to help others. What’s next on Shereen’s plate? “Runners are a strange breed of folks, just as strange as me. We relish blisters, pain, hills and endurance. We are nothing short of warriors. I have the greatest respect for ultra runners; they are like Gods to me. I hope one day I can join those ranks.”

Based on what Shereen has shared with me, I think that joining the ranks of ultra runners is inevitable! Being an ultra runner myself, I hope to join the ranks of people like Shereen… bad asses.

Today Shereen is a practicing lawyer in Maryland and has been kind enough to provide her e-mail if you would like to contact her directly: Wingoslaw@gmail.com

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